Accelerated Hair Growth

I'm listening to the audio book version of this book:

Thanks to this book, it has deepened my appreciation of this very amusing comic strip (click on it for a larger image):

Anything with Gary Busey is made better by his presence, and this comic is no exception. Actually, Gary Busey really is a client of Giuseppe. I once had a lizard named Giuseppe. He died because annoles don't belong in Hyde Park, NY. If he could have just held on for another year, I would have taken him down to florida. A week and a half was all he could give me. Selfish little jerk.

Only 19.95

Tina told me a funny story about Andrew yesterday. He had seen a commercial on TV that was advertising for the Topsy Turvy Tomato grower and, I swear, this kid has the most remarkable memory sometimes. Andrew was at his grandmother's house and, out of nowhere he says "You know grandma, you can increase your yield of tomatoes. And it only costs 99.99."

A couple days later, Tina and Andrew are looking at their garden, speaking about all of the different things that are growing: squash, corn, zucchini, tomatoes ... and she is then interrupted with this: "You know, there's a better way to grow tomatoes, and it's only 19.99." This was stated in the most matter-of-fact, infomercial way. Keep in mind that Tina hadn't heard about the first conversation with Andrew's maternal grandmother. It was only later that when they were relaying their stories to each other did they find out that they'd been marketed to by Topsy Turvy's youngest spokesperson: Andrew Sullivan.

BTW, we watched the commercial online: http://www.hangingtomato.com.
Now we want one. Or more than one.

Ode to a Comment

Jimmy Wrote:

Oh, finally a new post. I check everyday and typically find nothing. OK, maybe not every day, but fairly often. Anywho, I appreciate you posting to your blog, even if I rarely read your links. Hmmm, I kinda like bumble barf. It's really only good as an additive, not so much on its own.
Now on to some non-bee related crap. This Democratic race thing is getting really boring. I practically don't even care anymore. I mean, I would be hard pressed to vote for "Four More Years" McCain, but it almost seems like we are in such a mess right now, it's gonna take more than a decade to get back on the right track. I have an idea of how to make it a good idea to get out of Iraq, though. All we have to do is actually start paying for it...not max out our national credit card. We are very cheap here in America. If each American had to start paying for the war (increase taxes and stop the corporate welfare), we'd be gittin' out damn quick. We just don't like to pay for stuff today. That is so last century. OMG, I am rambling. I'm done.

More like the century before. Since FDR, government's been going down hill. Well, actually government's got it really good, its the rest of us that are suffering. I like your idea a LOT though. I think that was basically what they meant by a "balanced budget" amendment. As I recall, and I could be wrong, it was the "True Believers" of the 1994 GOP congressional overthrow that offered it as part of their contract to or for America. Let me look it up ...

OK, here it is. For those too lazy or disinterested to read, the GOP contract with America did in fact contain a bill called "The Fiscal Responsibility Act" - ie, the budget amendment that insisted we have a balanced budget. BUT - I should note that it stipulated an exception for war spending so ... Yeah, Neo-Con inc. would have gotten around that anyhow. But I still like the idea. Or maybe we could put the matter of real-time funding to a referendum vote every other year. IE, a popular war would likely allow for debt-spending, but an unpopular would be killed off or at least re-thought due to the requirement of immediate funding.

Now, as for "four more years" McCain, keep in mind that McCain and Bush have been at odds since Bush first threw his cowboy hat into the presidential candidate ring back in 1998. McCain has to his "credit" a variety of non-constitutional bi-partisan legislation. Just think of McCain-Feingold! I love that McCain is now strapped for cash thanks to ... yep - McCain-Feingold. Karnation Instant Karma, Vanilla flavored. Anyhow, it is interesting to see how McCain was the darling of the press for YEARS because he criticized the GOP. But now that he's running for president he's suddenly "Bush-Lite" according to the press. It's all very funny in my not-so-humble opinion. He's reaping what he has sown.

You know what I want in a president? A guy who doesn't really want to be president. Reagan didn't want to get in politics back in the 60's when his buds asked him to run for governor. And he didn't, at least not at first. So they built up a fund called something like "Friends of Reagan" just in case he changed his mind. Reagan did it not because he was power-hungry, or because of his ego, or because his Dad expected him to. No. He did it because he hated poor people and the homeless and wanted to hurt them as best he could. Funny tangent thought - no matter how much the left berates Reagan, the Right just keeps on trying to emulate him. Don't they know that the jury is in on this one? The media has spoken - Reagan was a meany!!! Why does the right keep acting like he was some great guy? Don't they know when to cede defeat?

OK, back on track. Washington didn't want to prez either, at least according to my 5th grade teacher. One of these days I'll look that up to see if it's true. Back to McCain:
This was McCain's reaction to winning the California primary. We understand by his triumphant fist pump that this is a sober moment, indeed. Here we see John's face darken with the understanding and appreciation of this solemn task that he may eventually have to undertake. This is McCain's hour in the garden of Gethesemane.

Seriously though, wouldn't it be nice to have politicians who really looked at elected office as service, something they feel the obligation to do?

William F. Buckley can now watch everything you do

Because he's dead. And now he knows that you haven't been looking at my links. Those links were hand-crafted HTML; not some cookie-cutter blog template. Sure, they are now. But that's because blogger twisted my arm. Back in my day (2006) there were no templates. You had to sweat your way through lines and lines of tags, tables, cascading style sheets ... but I digress.

By now you all know who Bill Buckley was. I can call him Bill because I knew him before it was cool to know him. OK, it was never cool to know him. Nor did I "know" him so much as read his stuff on Townhall.com. Oh, did you know he dropped dead while writing a column. He was so cool. He even spoke with a British Accent, even though he's from America. Normally that would be pretentious (think Madonna), but with Buckley it was because ... well, I'm not sure come to think of it. Whatever, it was cool.

RIP Bill. If I'm ever up your way I'll swing by and pour a 40 over your grave.

Bumble Barf

Time for my monthly posting. Sheesh, I am really bad at keeping up with this. A couple things on this blog need to change. For one thing, I need to post more. Another thing is, you need to read more. Read as hard as you can so that I can feel it all the way over here. hmmm... that didn't sound right.

Anyhow, I was thinking the other day as I poured honey into my tea that honey is really just bee vomit. Isn't that what bees do to make honey? They eat the pollen, swirl it around in their little bee bellies, then ralph it back up. Sweet nectar, indeed. Tasting the honey - straight this time, no tea - and it tastes a little ... like ... yeah, I must be just imagining it. But it tastes a little like throw-up. But could this bee right - oh yeah. How do you like that for a pun?? Anyhow, according to this dusty old 1992 article, I was right. Bee puke and honey are one and the same. Bees truly are the Mary Kate Olsen of the insect world. Oh, that reminds me - I have to link to "The Sneeze" - Half Blog, Half Zine, Half not good with fractions. Steve, Don't Eat It!! Great stuff. Bee vomit is downright tempting after you see what he eats.

2-23-08

Guess what I saw yesterday? Well, yeah, but besides that. I saw a bald eagle, and in the wild at that. He or she was flying majestically over a cow pasture. As if I needed any further evidence that beef is the food of patriots. Duh - we all know that. The eagle doesn't need to shill for "Big Beef".

I don't know about you, but I had no idea eagles lived in Florida. It was in Montana that I figured they all lived - or really anywhere there are mountains, lakes, streams, and other photo-op backgrounds. It wasn't until I moved to Orlando that I learned that bald eagles in the country's appendix.

Emperor of Ice Cream

I had the best ice cream last night. And I don't mean only in taste, but in humor as well. Dove has a flavor called "Unconditional Chocolate". There is no pretending who their target audience is, or isn't. Unconditional like the emotion chocolate emulates: love. There should be a reference to it in the area of the drug store for PMS medication. "For fast, effective emotional pain relief nothing is proven more effective than Unconditional Chocolate." On the carton it reads "I won't judge you." Well, it doesn't but it should.


Speaking of ice cream, I just got done reading 'Salem's Lot. In it, King references this poem that's been stuck in my mind all week:

 Call the roller of big cigars,
       The muscular one, and bid him whip
       In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
       Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
       As they are used to wear, and let the boys
       Bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
       Let be be finale of seem.
       The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

       Take from the dresser of deal
       Lacking the three glass knobs, that sheet
       On which she embroidered fantails once
       And spread it so as to cover her face.
       If her horny feet protrude, they come
       To show how cold she is, and dumb.
       Let the lamp affix its beam.
 The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.

It's about a funeral, or at least takes place at one.  It's not so much
about chocolate ice cream: unconditional or otherwise.  Here's a link that
does a nice job dissecting the poem:
http://unix.cc.wmich.edu/~cooneys/tchg/640/Mark.Emperor.html


   

Modern Conservatism (and the pundits who define it)

Let me start this by saying that anyone who wants to read one of the absolute BEST political opinion pieces I've ever read, then read Andrew Sullivan's endorsement of Barak Obama. Simply amazing: I've never read a piece that puts into words the approximate nature of American polarization as well as this one does.

Additionally, Sullivan does a more than decent job of articulating why he believes Ron Paul is the best choice for the GOP nomination.

Dumb Conservatism
But enough of all this optimistic parade of brilliant political opinion. Let's look at something completely retarded. Here's a guy who thinks that the best thing for the safety of this country is to allow we, the consumers, to be the guinnea pigs for everything we buy. From the lead in our toys, to the presence of e-coli in our burgers - let the market sort out the baddies! Because the alternative is ... oh no!!! More government regulation!!! The horror!!! Seriously though, I'm not a fan of excessive regulation, but this guy is off the chain (likely a heavily-leaded one) if he thinks I want me and mine to be in the forefront of the wild west consumer-scape. And I have to wonder if he even believes his own monologue. After all, the best recent example of free-market jurisprudence was the government mandated recall of Topps beef. How, exactly, is the prospect that a company of 80+ people going out of business supposed secure my trust that the frozen beef burgers I buy aren't going to cause food poisoning? I could go on and on (and indeed, already have) about this, but his liaise fair approach to ingesting toxic substances is manifestly absurd enough.

Smart Conservatism
Lest I stray too far from my conservative/libertarian leanings, let's remind ourselves of when and why government interventionism is a really, really dumb idea. Specifically, in the sub-prime mortgage area. Rumor has it that some folks in this country took out ARM's and now must start paying much higher monthly mortgage rates as their initial teaser rates are set to expire. Now, I know that some of you in my tiny blog audience may have been duped into buying (yes, you bought it - a mortgage is a product) an ARM, so please feel free to be offended. Why is Bush bailing these people out? Oh, right - because it will actually protect the "predatory" lenders (read: lenders) from the risk they knew they ran when they first wrote the ARM in the first place. Oh wait, my younger-self is tugging at my shirt sleeve, asking a question. What's that younger-self? Aren't the usary rates of post-adjustment ARMs supposed to offset the foreclosure risk posed by those very rates? I'm not sure - but I think it's similar to credit card offers, isn't it? Well, at any rate, at least Bush is doing something to help the Little Man. Just in time too. Like after that hurricane in Louisiana: Compassionate Conservatism at its selective best!

That's a lot of reading, huh? I wonder if anyone will actually read all four articles? Good thing I don't email people this tripe anymore ...

Peltor Earmuffs

I bought these earmuffs last week for use at work, at the suggestion of a thread found on addexecutive.com. They arrived last night and had their first taste of aural combat this morning. Two programmers came into the contractor bull pen to chat up their latest issues with Patrick, a fellow tech contractor. The programmers are not typically loud, and today was probably no exception. I can't say with certainty though, as the earmuffs fended off the distracting chatter better than I could have hoped. I had the privilege of remaining ignorant to any knowledge of which program was at issue, which server required Patrick's attention, what the possible causes might be, and the meandering requests of the programmers to the man with the admin rights on the box. The only thing I could really hear was the ringing in my ears. But even that went away, or stopped noticing, over time.

Event ID not found

Why does MS have so few events that it can directly account for from Event Viewer????!!! Rarely do I ever click the "more information" link and come up with an actual result. And even when I do, it's typically vague and unhelpful. Surely they have documented all of their Event ID's - why can't they just link to that documentation?

Spam Funny

I just got a spam email with the subject line "Superlative Education".

Hillary is not so scary

Here is an article by the venerable Charles Krauthammer that well-expresses my own personal feelings about a Hillary presidency: that it wouldn't really be so bad.

Click here for the article.

The nice thing about the Clintons is that they are happy to yield to public pressure if it serves their political goals. This self-preserving tendency served a few conservative causes well; Krauthammer reminds us, in the form of Welfare reform and NAFTA. What Krauthammer doesn't mention, at least not here, is that when the Clintons are at their most stubborn, conservatives still win. At least they did in 1994. With the their heels dug in the mud, unrelentingly seeking universal healthcare, midnight basketball (remember that??!!), and a budget that increased taxes; the Clintons delivered unto us the 1994 Republican congressional route.

Of course, as comforting as it is to see the Clinton-future in the rosy shades of hopeful cynicism, reality mottles the view with the certainty of poorly chosen judgeships, DA's, and at least some form of Hillary-care.

I think the moral of the story is ... vote Ron Paul.

McD has a monopoly on my waking thoughts ...

Woo-hoo, Monopoly at McDonald's is here. I don't know why I always get sucked into this "gambling for the retarded AND obese", but have ever since I was eleven or twelve. So far the investment in my eventual triple bypass has paid off: I've won two video games from Real Arcade and a free small coffee. As Patrick would say, I'm "Living the dream".

To be fair to Ronald & Co., the Monopoly "Here and Now" video game that I won is actually a lot of fun. It forces you to auction or buy every property you land on, making the game quick, and forces a strategic plan. Having said this, it is unsurprising that I lost my first game. I haven't yet played another. I made a couple of stupid moves: one being choosing to bid on a property that I could have just bought, and thereby blocked the computer's ownership of that color-block. I won that battle, but ended up spending about 75% over what I could have just bought it for out-right.

Well, back to work. I must work - to make money - to buy more McDonald's ... Viva Monopoli!!

Child Roland to the Dark Tower came.

I just finished a seventeen year journey through Stephen King’s imagination. It actually took King much longer to write his … what is it? Opus? Ben would know. In fact, he used a Latin word to describe what the seven-novel Dark Tower series is to King’s career. Magna-something, I think.

Back to my point: King started writing the first Dark Tower novel in the 1970’s, and completed the seventh and final in 2004. I read the first book as a sophomore in high school, and I’ll always associate that reading with Carlos, who shared my affection for the book. It was one of few, and perhaps the first of King’s non-horror novels. Not that the series is devoid of horror. At seven full-size (and a few over-sized) novels, there are few fictional sub-genres left untouched, and horror is expectedly not one of them.

Well, I am not going to critique the novel, or even use it as an excuse for not blogging. It’s just on my mind a lot these last few days as I just finished reading the book. And what else is a blog for, if not just this sort of thing? Anyhow, critique or no critique, the novels were really excellent. The ending was not a shock, but still a surprise. And it was a fantastic ending: it answered many questions, but in doing so, created many more questions.

I have to thank Ben for encouraging me to pick the series up again some months ago. He’s right here, actually. There, I just told him.

8/7/07

I know, I know - it's been a little while ... OK, a really long while since I've last blogged.

On to the blogging. Some people were out on safari and captured an interesting exchange between lions, buffalo, and a crocodile. http://www.aolvideoblog.com/2007/08/08/battle-at-kruger It's the typical "lion pride gets buffalo calf, calf falls in water, crocodile fights to get calf, lions pull calf out, herd comes back and beats up on the lions, calf is saved, lions and crocodile go hungry" story. I haven't spoiled the plot, btw - it's all up on the link.

6/18/07

A couple funny things happened to me today. One didn't actually happen to me, per se, but it was a joke funny enough to pass on.

First, I was at "Tokyo", a restaurant near the airport and work. Yes, it's Japanese. Patrick had an upset stomach and Ben, being master curer of all things stomach related suggested a bowl of miso. This of course lead to banter about 2liveCrew, Full Metal Jacket, Francis Ford Coppola, his talentless nephew, and on and on. It also led to a second bowl of miso, because, unsurprisingly, Ben was right and Patrick was feeling much better thanks to the first.

Somehow, we got on the topic of someone who used to work with us. They were glad to see him gone, and were remarking on his shoes. I never noticed them before. Ben exclaimed in disbelief "You never saw his cheap-ass shoes??!! They looked awful, like he had bought them in 1993." Patrick chimes in with "Yeah, those are the kind of shoes they write Christmas songs about! I can't believe you never noticed them!" So there's the first funny thing. "They write Christmas songs about those kinds of shoes." Or something like that. Ben and I cracked up. Hell, Patrick couldn't even keep a straight face. Hope I did it justice.

OK, next thing was tonight I go to install a new blade on my lawn mower. I had purchased a mulching blade last year, or maybe it was the year before. It never did a very good job - I always had to move over the area I had just gone over. I tried sharpening the blades, but they felt quite sharp as it was. When I finally decided to replace the blades I noticed the paint on the blade was warn on the rear-edge of the blade. Yes, apparently I had been mowing with the blunt side of the blade for at least a year.

If you're curious, yes, the lawn was MUCH easier to cut once I turned the blades around. In fact, it was down-right enjoyable.

6.12.07

This "news" item from the onion is funny, but darkly so. Apparently we are well past the "It's too soon" mark for 9/11. Well, I don't think it is. But a sardonic take on Al Qaeda's hopes for the construction of future terrorist landmarks shouldn't offend too many people. Truth be told, I think I'm more offended by the suite this guy is wearing. It makes me wonder if people (in this case, the authors of this skit) understand the ideology of Islamicism and Wahabism. Some people do, some don't, I suppose. Anyhow, here is the clip:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/al_qaeda_also_fed_up_with_ground

5-29-07

Good thing I used the date for this entry. Today is my older sister's birthday and I almost forgot to call her. She's 36 today. It used to be that our four year difference made her seem so much older ... Not anymore. 36 and 32 seem to be pretty much the same age, at this point.

Anyhow, that's not why I decided to post. It's because Liam's picture looks terrible! He's a handsome boy and that picture does NOT do him justice. But despite my assurances to master Liam that I would post the best pictures we had of him, he felt the need to respond. What follows is a photographic recording of the interview.

Daddy: Good morning Mr. Liam, how are you today? I understand you are not pleased with the photo of you posted on this blog.

Liam:


Daddy: Son, I do not appreciate, nor will I tolerate such disrespect. I understand you are not happy with the photo, but you can't just go around flipping people off when you're not happy about something!

Liam:


Daddy: You were just sucking your fingers? Sure you were.

Liam:

Daddy: Right, right - you're innocent and have no idea what I am talking about. Fine then. Let's move on, shall we?

Liam:


Daddy: I was thinking about posting the picture of you when you first born - fresh from the womb, birthday suite and ...

Liam:


Daddy: ... perhaps ... yeah - you don't seem very interested in going that way. Well, there is this one picture that shows you looking like an "old soul", if you will ...

Liam:

Daddy: Yes! That's the look! What do you think about that one?

Liam:


Daddy: Oh come on now, you needn't be shy! I think your "old man" look is a good one - it showcases your intelligence, your wit, your ... what's that? You have another pose to highlight your intellectual capabilities? Fantastic I can't wait to ...

Liam:


Daddy: Oh nice. Very funny. That could come back to haunt you someday, you know. What if you ever decide to run for state office, or even the presidency? What's that? Who is the president now? Bush. No, no - W. - the son, why?

Liam:


Daddy: You think he's asshole too, huh? Yeah - I voted for him twice ... go figure.

Liam:


Daddy: Don't looked so shocked. Who was I supposed to vote for, Gore? Kerry? OK, well you're probably right, Kerry probably would have been better. No, no - Gore would have bored the country to death with slide-shows. Well, yes, he knows a thing or two about global warming but he has no spine, he himself didn't know where he stood on most things. Anyhow, what if I just post our interview on my blog? Does that work for you? Liam? Liiiiiaaaam?

Liam:


Daddy: All of this talk about Al Gore put you to sleep, huh? Yeah, he has that effect on people. Night-night Liam! We love you :-) *kiss*

And that concludes our interview. Off camera, Liam remarked that I should post more often, even though I blog in a 'very simple, hackish sort of way.' He also wanted to note that he digs his brother and sister and that mommy is 'the coolest'. Then he spit up on me.

The Newdle is born :-)

9lb, 11.7 oz
9:23pm
5/11/07

Monsters

I am on Book 2 of Koontz' Frankenstein. Not a bad set of books, but they in no way rival the classic original. At least not in execution. But in the way of social commentary ...

I just got to a part of the book today where one of the head monsters has a conversation with Victor's newest wife: Erica 5. She is the fifth such wife, all hand-crafted by Victor Frankenstein. Anyhow, the monsters are starting to off themselves and Erica, fresh from her creation, doesn't understand why. The head of the household service monster (Christine) explains to her that their programming: which is to serve the greater good the greater good, as defined by Victor the creator, leads inevitably to despair. Despair because as Victor's monsters they are subject to hard coded rules that prevent them, not from MAKING decisions, but being able to act upon them. The monsters are ruled absolutely by Victor, yet they are thinking, sentient beings. And no matter how much programming he has coded into them, true understanding comes only through experience. What the monsters' experiences teach them vary from monster to monster. Some wish to murder, other to procreate, others to delve into art, etc. But since none of these endeavors always fit into Victor's plans, the monsters are coded with the inability to act upon them. In other words, they lack free will.

That is some pretty weighty stuff. These Koontz novels inform the reader's conscience of what value free will is. While Koontz makes no explicit parallels to any religions, ideologies, or forms of government, one cannot help but see them.

If anyone decides to read these books, let me know what your conclusions are. I personally can't help but read this as an indictment of rigid, dogmatic ideologies and theologies. Without the free will of the individual, the individual is nothing more than a machine made of meat. A machine whose purpose is that "greater good" as defined by your maker.

What's interesting about humans is that many of us willfully allow ourselves to be programmed in just such a way. The monsters at least have an excuse: they were made that way. What excuse do the radicals and extremists have?